12: I got a heart that opens clear
by Julie Verne
Summary: Season 5 episode 10 interlude. An in-betweener coming soon. Title from Wailin' Jennies 'Ten mile stilts'.


Of all the days for Sydney to make another appearance – in scrubs no less – it had to be the day of Alex's mother's wake. Because there's a pattern to this, Maggie can see it now. When things are at their worst, they're at least together because Maggie thinks they might be the best thing that happened to each other, sometimes. Maggie tries to ask the same questions she'd asked that last time she'd seen Sydney – are you planning on staying or do I have to let you go again – but Sydney takes off before she can say any of the words she'd been trying to come up with for over a week, useless excuses – and they are excuses, not reasons – pouring out of her mouth so she doesn't tell Sydney why she's been avoiding her.

* * *

Sydney spent the morning in a state of anxiety, an anxiety she hadn't felt in a while. Maggie hadn't answered her calls or texts, hadn't said a word since Sydney had kissed her. And Sydney knew better than anyone the hectic days and nights at Hope Zion, had heard from Charlie about Martha and what a help Maggie was being for Alex when he called and offered Sydney a position at Hope Zion again – not a staff position, but it was a foot in the door, and Sydney had intended to stay in Toronto a while longer. She'd managed to find an apartment, filled it with 26 kilos of her life from 2 suitcases and a carry-on.  
So she'd accepted the job, taking a week to get her furniture out of storage. When the movers put the fridge in the kitchen, Sydney put the smiley face post-it on the fridge that was as empty as her life and went out for dinner.

It was a bold move going back to Hope Zion and it felt pushy, but Sydney couldn't afford a gap in her resume, couldn't stay at home wondering. She had enough almosts to last a lifetime. At this point she was sure the ship had sailed, that Maggie didn't feel the same way anymore but a job offer was a job offer, and Sydney was in no position to turn a job offer down, not after resigning from a job like she'd had in Israel with no notice to be with her sister. And while she couldn't treat Rebecca while she was at Hope Zion, she could at least be with her between shifts, she could at least let her family become familiar with the idea of her being back in their life in some capacity – as a doctor, if not a daughter.

She was aware of how it would look to Maggie – weird, if not stalkerish – but she had stopped trying to call Maggie a week ago, taking the hint and not sure where exactly she went wrong this time – when she had been so able to pinpoint it the last few times.

She'd finally been honest and, as she'd expected three years ago, been rejected because Maggie would never feel the same way about her. As she got dressed for work the anxiety welled up – she didn't bother with makeup the way she used to, and she knew her hair was sloppy but she couldn't bring herself to care. When Sydney dropped in on Rebecca before her shift stared neither of them said anything about Maggie, but Sydney could feel the expectation beneath the surface of what Rebecca carefully wasn't asking, scared of her reaction if she confirmed something that was no longer true – to have to admit that Rebecca's doctor had briefly engaged with her in sordid activities might set her sister off again, and Sydney couldn't handle that, but she especially couldn't handle having to admit to a perhaps sympathetic Rebecca that Maggie didn't want her, had perhaps never wanted her.

What had changed in a year? A year ago Maggie was the one making the moves, hinting that she wanted to explore the avenue they hadn't taken because Sydney had run away. Then Sydney had run away again, and perhaps that was it – perhaps Maggie was expecting her to leave and was readying herself for that by not letting herself get involved again.

* * *

As she was changing into her scrubs, back in an updated on-call room somehow still filled with memories, she resisted the urge to peek in Maggie's locker, see if there was a scrub cap and a few notes in the Torah. They were peers now, and it wasn't appropriate. The day hadn't even started and she was already exhausted. The last few weeks had taken the wind out of her sails.

Sydney stepped into the doctor's longue to get some coffee, but sidestepped and sat on the couch pretending to check her phone when she saw Maggie leaning against the sink, looking almost as tired as Sydney felt. She was sure there were other people in the room when she walked in, but when she looked up at Maggie's question about her scrubs, they were alone, and Sydney's heart sank.

No response is a response, she knew. If Maggie wanted to talk to her, she would have already. Maggie's questions weren't exactly the cold shoulder, but it was awkward and she didn't want to invade Maggie's space any more than she already had, so she left after iterating that this was just a job, that she wasn't there for Maggie – although seeing her had made her heart skip the way it used to. They were colleagues before, and they could be again she told herself, the way she used to tell herself that she could grow to love Herschel.

Then Maggie recruited her on this wild ashes chase, and pulled her in on a consult. It was a crazy day, filled with young residents that smiled borderline creepily while looking between her and Maggie expectantly, Zack cornering her to not-quite-threaten her to make Maggie happy, preferably forever, a distracted Alex telling her she'd better not leave and break Maggie's heart again. Even Dawn had a discrete but firm word with her. Sydney knew Maggie had a lot of people in her corner, but to see them so protective – protecting Maggie from Sydney, in this case, was startling, awkward and overwhelming.

* * *

At reception they argued over a woman telling her fiancé about her affair, Sydney conveniently forgetting for the moment that she'd intended to lie to her betrothed for the rest of her life about her affair with Maggie, that she'd never told Hannah about Maggie and how she'd crawled into bed beside her former lover, had let her kiss her in the lobby. When Maggie said that Sydney kissing her had made her feel strangled, it was like being punched in the chest. No wonder Maggie had been avoiding her, if this was even half of how Sydney had made her feel. But even in spite of that, Sydney wanted to help her with the ashes – a parting gesture better than Daddy Crab Leg's Crab Shack. Because this felt like a break up – more so than when she actually broke up with Herschel, more so than when she told Hannah a week after she met her that she didn't feel like their relationship was going to work out. Tel Aviv was enough in itself for Sydney, and Hannah… Hannah didn't look at Sydney the way Maggie had, her hands were steady and practiced when she touched Sydney, and Sydney shrugged away every time, mentally loyal to a woman who hadn't exactly rejected her.

And there was a moment in the consult when they both said they wanted kids that Sydney melted a little. She could see Maggie holding a baby, had seen Maggie hold many babies, but this one had a mess of red hair and she knew that she wouldn't get over this in a hurry. It had been three years of wondering, and now she knew for sure that Maggie felt - not the same way was a mild way to put it – she wondered how long it would take before she could start to get over her. Wondered if she should start sending out her resume, wondered if she could stay in Toronto after all, the proximity to Maggie the reason she left in the first place. Maybe once Rebecca had recovered, she could go back to England, maybe try Australia – she already knew how to drive on the left.

* * *

And yet Sydney was still willing to help Maggie. It felt like she had searched every inch of the hospital when she finally caught sight of the shoe box, headed toward the laundry room on a cart. She had to haul the cart away from an orderly and sprint away dramatically with the shoebox, hiding eventually in the on-call room.

While she's there, once the pounding footfalls have faded away, she faced Maggie's locker. She stepped away, unwilling to find out if Maggie still has her notes, her scrub cap, because she fears Maggie doesn't.

Finding the ashes wouldn't make Maggie love her, but it could perhaps make up for some of what Sydney had put her through. Sydney headed down to the memorial with the ashes, scanning the crowd for Maggie, breath catching when she finds her. Her bare shoulders in the dusk light, the way her hair looks now it's grown out of that ridiculous yet adorable tinting. Sydney shook her head, stepped beside Maggie and put the shoe box on top of the urn.

She had a little fun with Maggie, then way she never used to, pausing before confirming she found Martha. Three years ago making a joke like that would have seemed so impractical but now it seems so important, to let Maggie know that she's here for her, can follow through on something, that she'd do anything for Maggie – with a little levity. And it worked. Maggie cracked a smile, finally, suggested taking a walk.

And Maggie finally articulated why she'd been so scared and worried, why she'd been so caught up in the processing. It sounded like Maggie too has been building this up in her head, has been overthinking it. It sounded like Maggie is scared. And it seemed like Sydney had been wrong about a lot of things over the years; Maggie isn't straight as Sydney had assumed so long ago. Maggie was always willing, Sydney was just too afraid, and Maggie never pushed the issue. Sydney today had pushed Maggie harder than Maggie had pushed Sydney – there was no family rejection or huge lifestyle changes involved for Maggie, just acceptance and the constant wondering if Sydney had felt something for her. Sydney could see now how overwhelming it must have been for Maggie to finally have Sydney confirm her interest, her attraction verbally, especially after leaving her waiting so long. But Sydney had thought that this wasn't something Maggie wanted, thought it was best not to bring up her urgent need that one time, embarrassed at her lack of control and how much her resident had meant to her. Ashamed of cheating on a fiancé she didn't love, could never love, afraid of her family, her community – there was so much going on for her so long ago that she couldn't see past it to see Maggie patiently waiting, the way she had been in the on-call room when Sydney finally admitted the truth out loud for the first time.

And it turned out, all Sydney wants is Maggie, and all Maggie wants is for Sydney to stay. She made it very clear before she let Sydney kiss her again - and Sydney does kiss her again, and again in the dusk on the shores of Lake Ontario, puts three years of love and longing into these kisses, the familiar tongue meeting her own, a hand that drops from her face to her waist. Despite what Sydney had just said, they had had a tortured love affair, and to be with Maggie - actually being with her - after so long, after so much fear and hope and stress and confusion - was worth every moment just for this kiss. Maggie's arms were soft, and her hands softer where they slip under Sydney's loose shirt, making their way to Sydney's ribs. Sydney gasped into Maggie's mouth, pulled away.

"We're at your best friend's mother's wake," Sydney said.

"So etiquette dictates that we should stick to first base?" Maggie asked teasingly, and Sydney kissed her again, then pulled herself in tight against Maggie's body to just hold her. They fit together; no one's ever held Sydney like this. No one fits as well against her.

The scruffy resident Sydney still hasn't learnt the name of comes down the path, pauses awkwardly. Maggie looked at him over Sydney's head, eyebrow raised.

"They're about ready to get started," He said awkwardly. "Alex sent me to find you."

Maggie laughed, and it reverberates through Sydney. "Of course she did," Maggie said, loosening her grip on Sydney. "Let's go," she said, linking her arm with Sydney.

* * *

There are a lot of remarks at the wake about the way Maggie has a firm grip on Sydney's hand, the way they are in constant contact - and Sydney isn't too surprised that it's all positive. She finally gathered the courage to message Rebecca, Maggie reading the text before she sent it, half-expecting Rebecca to ask for a new doctor but instead getting an 'it's about time', followed by 'I hope she makes you happy'.

"Do you want to come home with me?" Sydney blurted out after the fireworks. "Not for like… but just…. I've missed you. I want to catch up. I want to talk to you. I want to explain why I was so scared, why I kept running. I want to apologise."

Maggie's smile is brighter than the fireworks, and she nodded.

* * *

They go back to Sydney's place after the fireworks, and Maggie chuckled at the Menorah over the fireplace, at the small but functional space so similar to how she had pictured it three years ago. Sydney looked nervous when they sat on the sofa, so Maggie took her hand.

"Life's too short for almosts, and we've wasted so much time. Talk all you want, but come here," And with that Maggie pulled Sydney snug against her, put an arm around Sydney's shoulder, and kissed Sydney's temple. Sydney relaxed, and for the first time since coming back to Toronto, felt like she'd come home.

* * *

Notes:

A lot of processing - and there will be a chapter between this one and episode 11.  
Sorry about the rant last week - the thing is, I have way more good people in my corner than not, it's just the guys that are shit stink out the whole place.


End file.
